I feel like I am constantly having life mood swings. One day I feel like I am ROCKING this whole ‘life’ thing … and then the next, that I am a colossal failure. Okay, maybe not a failure, but a slacker at the very least. I have many, many days where I want to just throw my arms up in the air and scream, ‘why can’t this just be enough for me?!‘ When does it become enough? What is that limit? And why am I not happy with the place I’m in at this very moment?
And this isn’t just about parenting … although some days I look back at scenes from the day I just lived and think, ‘Wow. I totally sucked at that. Why can I not just do X?’ or ‘I could have made my kid’s day so much better by doing Y’ or ‘Am I parenting correctly? Would have disciplining by doing Z have been better for him?’ Every second I’m with my kids I have to make decisions – and I swear 80% of them I second guess. Should I have let him stay up an extra 30 minutes to create a memory instead of sending him to bed {because I’m exhausted}? Should I have made him eat those last 3 bites of broccoli? Should I have let him go out in the backyard all by himself? Should I let him watch another episode of Power Rangers? All day long, every day, I question all of these things in my head … and it’s ridiculously exhausting.
It’s about me as a wife too – and some might call this ‘old-fashioned’ … and hardcore feminists might yell at me, but for me, there are many, many, many days where I think, ‘Did I show my husband today how much I care about him? Or did I just go through the motions like he’s a roommate or live-in babysitter? Did I do anything for him today that lets him know how much I absolutely love him? I should have done more.’ And this isn’t about sex {well, it’s a little about sex}, or greeting him at the door with a martini … but more things like: ME taking out the trash for once and not hounding him about it. Closing the laptop in the evening and snuggling in next to him while he catches up on Sports Center. ME taking care of getting the kids into a bath and bed. These are all things I should do more of.
Or how about me as a professional? How about how every.single.day. I think – ‘Wow, I only got A,B, and C accomplished today … I should have stayed an extra 30 minutes late to finish up D’. Or ‘This conference went well, but it would have been even better if I had spent more time thinking about X, and worked it into the campaign’. Or, ‘Why did I not get my butt out of bed earlier so I could have been in to get those extra projects started this week?’
Every day I need to prove myself. Sometimes, I need to prove myself to others, sometimes, I need to prove myself to me. Sometimes, I DO step back and think, ‘wow, you pulled that off beautifully – good for you’. And then I think, ‘but you still have this other thing to do, stop slacking and get back to it’. And the biggest problem is, I AM a slacker. I always have been. I would MUCH rather sit around all day drinking coffee and Pinning things online. And then I wake myself up, and realize that I only have 20 minutes to accomplish something that requires an hour to finish. So I end up hating myself, and scolding, ‘Why are you such a procrastinator? Why can’t you just have a little more motivation?! Why can’t you just DO what needs to be done?!’
So then I crawl into bed, and watch 3 episodes of Downton Abby, instead of starting the laundry, or meal planning, or sitting down with the Mouse to work on his sight words. I need to be ‘enough’ for myself, but I’m not. Regardless of how much, or how little I do, I feel like it’s not enough. It never will be. And it’s effing exhausting.
Every single mother ever does this.
At least this mother does.
Glad I’m not alone. This post summed up pretty much every waking moment of my existence. Like really. Every single word.
I’m pretty sure that every single one of us feels that way.
& anyone who says they never have these thoughts is a liar, liar, pants on fire.
Yes, this! Every. Single. Word. I do this, I feel this and you’re right it IS exhausting! Why do we beat ourselves up like this?! My husband assures me I’m doing great at parenting, marriage and work and I’d bet yours does too. But really my head does not always agree. Hang in there, hoping today is one of those rockin’ days for you!!
Totally relate to this! Especially since becoming a mother. I’m sure that you read the baby rabies post about the Brene Brown book, Daring Greatly but I would highly recommend it. It is changing my life in this area!
Yup. That’s all I have to say.
100% agree. and I feel like you’re super mom so it’s really nice knowing you prefer to sit around as well. *fist bump*
Oh Samantha, I love you for your comment, but I am NOT ‘supermom’. Not even close. You know who IS a supermom? My mom. I had GIANT shoes to fill, and I think that’s one of the reasons I’m so hard on myself.
I’ve been really hating on myself for a couple weeks, so… Yeah. I think everyone has the winter blues. You’re doing a great job, lady.
I think all moms (and probably all women) think these thoughts at some time or another – I know I have!
Thank Lisa for pointing out that ALL women think this way. I am not a mother (yet not for lack of trying) but I often feel this way. And have felt this way before I was a wife. And before I started working. I can track these feelings to around the time I graduated college.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be enough for myself. It helps knowing that I’m FINALLY enough (and more) to my family and friends and best of all my husband.
How many of us bloggers have written these “enough” posts?! I know I have so please please please don’t feel bad. We are busy bees and mothers too and all that is expected of us can be SO overwhelming. I broke down and cried last week because I knew I wasn’t enough, ya know? It’s an awful feeling. One good day, one bad day. But I so get it. I really do. You’re not alone.
This is so true, Molly. One day at a time. We can totally do this.
Thanks for this. I needed to read it today. I feel like this constantly. Lately my not good enough is in being creative when it comes to playing with the girls. It’s the same old same old every day…I need to find some fun crafts or things to do with them. I feel like a boring Mom. Ugh.
I could have written this. Partciularly lately. I don’t feel good enough on any level right now. Everything I’m doing seems wrong. For myself, for my husband, for my son, for work, for my blog. It’s hard to balance everything and feel like you are giving everything your best!! Big big hugs!!
It’s like you are in my head when you wrote this. Every.single.day
I’m the daughter of a supermom also. Like an amazing one. And now she’s super grandma. And I feel like nothing I do will ever be half as good as her. And that’s all on me, because she never tries to make me feel like anything less than a supermom myself. But you’re right, it’s exhausting trying to fill those shoes. I’m sure you are doing a great job!
Beautifully said….with two small kids, I feel this way most days.
Understanding that being a parent is THE hardest job, I conquer challenges hour by hour and day by day…I also take comfort that even those without kiddos are flawed and stressed and it doesn’t always “come easy” – you just have to know that what you accomplished in THAT moment and day is enough.
Love the blog.
I feel like I could have written this myself…you are so not alone!
You’ve described me to a T. Here lately I feel like I’m a complete failure at being a mom and employee and friend.
Amen. OMG – just amen w/an extra hallelujah. Tonight the girl woke up and my Husband just went to bed instead of spending “time” with me. And all I could think was YES…I can answer some emails and get my unsexy sweater on w/big thick socks to tweet, post, and otherwise get lost on Facebook while intending to update my fanpage. And then I feel guilty for wanting to be alone and get things done that nag at me all day. There just isn’t an end to it.
Amen to that!!! I feel this way a lot and I even felt this way even before having kids. There is always something that needs to get done, something that I should have spent more time doing but didn’t. In the end I try to do most of what is on my daily list and have some time for ME. I know that I need to spend a little more time with the kids on learning since they are only going to school 2 days a week. I feel that I am totally slacking with Rebecca. I do have a plan though.
Yes! I am also naturally a slacker and I,deal with this all the time. I often run into fits with myself about food for my kids. Can I really not afford to get them organic apples? I’m probably giving them cancer. I can’t let them have hfcs, it’s eeeeeevil…..right? Sigh. I’m trying to learn that sometimes, it’s enough. I can’t be upset with myself for not doing things perfectly, because there will always be something that isn’t good enough.
Mmkay just yesterday I was freaking out because I don’t spend enough time on school work but I don’t spend enough time with my son but I’m not getting enough sleep but if I had of stayed up a hour longer to study would I have been more prepared for that exam and if I didn’t take little mans fork away from him cause he was stabbing the table with it….again would he have actually eaten dinner….and that is just a small list of all my not enoughs I feel.
I pretty much feel like I’m failing at the balancing act daily. I can’t think of a day lately where I’ve sat back and thought to myself that I totally rocked the shit out of my obligations for that day. And there is my problem. I keep adding to-dos where I need to just step back and enjoy my family. The best days my daughter has had are the ones where I stop everything else and just play with her. But in the same instance, while I’m playing My LIttle Pony- I’m stressed about the 1797638470 items on the list that aren’t getting done. It IS exhausting. I’m sitting at your table for drinks.